Friday, 25 April 2008

Man Cannot Be Comfortable Without His Own Approval



The title of today’s post is a quote from Mark Twain, and one that I think is very, very true. No matter how much you try to live up to other people’s expectations, unless you approve of your life yourself, you’ll never feel comfortable and you’ll never be truly happy.

For too long I found myself being a person I wasn’t. I came back to the UK and kind of slipped back into being the person who left 18 years previously. Obviously, I wasn’t exactly the same person – I was a lot older for one and therefore naturally acted in a way that a 19 year old wouldn’t – but my general outlook on life changed back. I couldn’t live the way I had in Norway and I no longer really knew who I was or what I wanted. I allowed myself to be influenced by others – which was only natural, I suppose – but I wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t approve of who I was and I certainly wasn’t happy. I tried to be, sometimes even thought I was, but deep down I knew things weren’t right and that I could be happier.

Since changing my lifestyle and making it clear that my outlook has changed, some people have acted very differently towards me. They probably think I’ve gone mad, wanting to live a simple life instead of one where money speaks and the environment doesn’t really matter that much. They smile and nod, but they don’t understand.

Some at least respect my choices and, like my mum, are actually trying to learn something from them. She’s now changed her clothes washing routine, is thinking about buying a wormery when she moves and looks for products that have the least packaging. She wants to do her bit for the environment, she just wasn't sure how to go about it.

Others have no intention of changing their lifestyles but respect mine and that’s fine too. Everybody has the right to make their own choices.

Sadly, there are some who still expect me to be part of their consumerism – to be interested in the latest gadgets and gizmos they've paid ridiculously inflated prices for or listen to them harp on about the ‘labelled’ clothes they’ve just bought when they already have a perfectly adequate wardrobe. That would be ok if they’d be willing to listen to me talk about the things that are important in my life without criticism, but they don’t.

To be honest, there are few people who I feel I can really relate to. Certainly no more than a handful. Not that I mind – I’ve never been a people gatherer anyway. Well, with the exception of a few ‘hard partying’ years during the 80s, that is. I enjoy my own company and I’d rather be alone than spend time with somebody I don’t really feel a bond with.

I’m more comfortable and happier now that I have my own approval for the way I live my life. And although it's always nice to have, I don’t need the approval of others. I suppose I’m lucky in that my mum brought me up to be my own person and, as an adult, she’s never ever tried to tell me what I should do. She’ll offer advice, and is the first person I turn to when I need it, but she doesn’t get insulted if I don’t take her advice; she always makes it clear that she's merely suggesting and that the final decision must be mine. I hope I’ve managed the same thing with my children.

Mark Twain was a very wise man. What’s sad is that so many people do feel they need the approval of others. Perhaps they still worry about what their parents will think of their lifestyle, or how their friends will feel about their choices, or even whether the neighbours will be suitably impressed. If they could only break free from this horribly stifling need for others' approval I’m sure they’d also understand what happiness really is. It certainly has nothing to do with money or any material goods.

I'm glad I found it again.


Sharon J xx

~~+~~

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97 comments:

Emily said...

Such truth in all you wrote. I know too many that instead of supporting just try to knock it down. I think it's what you say. They don't truly approve and are insecure in it. Just live your way and know it's a good way.

New Leaf said...

This was so refreshing to read on a Friday.

I had to smile at the bit about people thinking you've gone mad and how other folks may see you. I feel the same that people think I've gone a bit odd, but I am pleased with myself in how I now live. I'm happier too and it's GREAT!

Enjoy your weekend and I hope you are feeling a little better.

Debi said...

I'm so glad you found it again too, Sharon.

If everyone liked us, we should be worrying about what we were doing wrong! You have to be true to yourself and who you really are.

It's quality not quantity when it comes down to who we choose to share our travels with.

I feel honoured and privileged to share a small part of your journey.

Minx said...

Stepping aside from our competitive society does leave you open to comments from the sheep. Many people are frightened to stand on their own and say "this is not right". Believing in what is right for you needs no approval from anyone. Stand tall.

Debi said...

Sharon is tall, Minx. Literally and metaphorically!

Jo said...

Being yourself if probably the hardest thing that you can do - but the one that gives us the most personal satisfaction and peace. Coming from a family who fail to understand my environmental or ethical decisions can be difficult. Having someone like you we can share our thoughts and passions with is the boost to the soul we all need.

Chris said...

Hi Sharon!

How are you?

Thinking of you and hope to chat soon!

Chris

Anonymous said...

So how's my bestest writer? Seeking a muse from what I've read today, although I'm not applying for the post (if anyone is interested, please contact both Sharon and me).

If you ever consider tearing yourself away from saintly penury, drop me an e-mail. A couple of sites are in dire need of some quality material. I'm always happy to pay in beans or lentils.

Best as always

Chris

Sharon J said...

Emily. You're very right about those who try to knock us down. I honestly believe that most are envious because they're unable to break free from the expected norms and live life their own way.

New Leaf. Let's relish being a 'bit odd' eh? I see it as something to celebrate rather than something to be ashamed of.

Debi. I've always said that just as I don't like everybody, neither can I expect everybody to like me. There aren't that many people I feel a real connection with but that just makes it all the more wonderful when I do find them.

Minx. If only more people would understand that the approval of others isn't necessary, I'm sure there would be far more happiness around.

Jo. You're right, it is difficult to break free from the expectations of others when we've been 'programmed' to live as they do for so long but it's so damned liberating when we do. If my dad was able to understand I know he wouldn't but I stopped caring about his opinion many, many years ago. My mum is a darling who doesn't always understand but respects my decisions anyway. I guess I'm lucky in that respect.

Chris. Still weak and tire very easily but I'll get there :)

Anon. Where exactly do I drop this email?

Serendipity said...

Just stumbled on your blog--what a treat! I have to say that I often feel the same way. I'm also quite an independent person, very happy on my own. I wonder if it's easier for these kind of people to live a simple life and if there's a correlation between voluntary simplicity and inwardly directed personalities... Thanks for the food for thought!

Chris aka Anon said...

Try the usual one at The D J.

Galanthus said...

I do know what you mean. Excellent blog. I came across it just as I was in need of some inspiration.:-)

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