Learning To Say No

Since starting my journey towards a simpler life, one of things I’ve had to learn is to say “No” more often.

Once upon a time, no matter what people asked of me, if I was able to do it, I did. Rarely was there any real gratitude shown and all too often, when I asked for a favour myself, that person was either too busy or just unwilling for whatever reason. Not everybody was that way, obviously, but too many were.

The fact is, people will keep on taking whatever you offer them and all the helping out I was doing was starting to wear me down. I spent so much time and energy doing things for other people that I found myself increasingly unable to do the things that actually meant a lot to me. My life, it seemed, belonged to others.

Nowadays I’m much more inclined to say no although to start with it did feel pretty weird. I’d find myself having to offer reasons for not being able to help but the truth of the matter is, nobody has any right to demand another’s time and an excuse really isn’t necessary. If you’ve said no then you clearly have a reason and have every right to decide yourself whether you want to share that reason or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we shouldn’t extend a helping hand but we don’t need to say yes to everything that’s asked of us. The following are a few basic guidelines that I use now when deciding whether or not to say yes.

Who is this person?
Sounds like a strange question because in all likelihood, if you didn’t already know them, they wouldn’t be asking a favour of you, but what I mean by this is what kind of person are they? Would they be happy to help you out when you need it, or are they blood suckers who just keep on taking without ever giving much back in return? I don’t mean that they have to do the same kind of favours for you, or even of the same magnitude - everything depends on a person’s abilities etc - but if they don’t show willing often enough (or ever, for that matter), start saying no more often.

Am I comfortable doing this?
I’ve put my life in danger to help others out and while I was ok doing that because the situation was serious, that wouldn’t always be the case because there are some things I really cannot do because they’d either be irresponsible of me (what would have happened if I had been hurt - who would have looked after my family?) or just plain difficult. If I’m not comfortable doing something, then unless there’s really no other way and somebody’s life depended on it, I’d say no.

Should this person be asking this of me?
People who know us well should know our limitations but still I’m often asked to do something that’s beyond what anybody should really expect. Once upon a time, I’d have done my best to do it anyway but nowadays I just think that they ought not have asked in the first place and put me in a position where I feel I have to help and simply say no.

Could this person do this for him/herself?
One example of this was people constantly asking me for loans even though they had at least as much and often more coming in than I have. If I can budget and make my money last from one pay day to the next and save a bit too, then surely they can. By helping out with loans the whole time, I wasn’t really do them any favours so instead I offered to help them set up a budget, an offer that has been declined by each of those people who‘d regularly ask, so now I just say no. As they say “give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you’ll feed him for a lifetime”.

How important is the favour?
There’s a big difference between getting out of bed at two in the morning to take somebody to the hospital because a loved one’s just been admitted with a serious illness and could die and picking somebody up from a night club because they've spent their taxi fair home. If I don’t really think the person should be asking the favour of me, then I say no.

What are my own priorities?
Do I have the time or energy to do this? How important is it compared with the plans I’d already made for my time? Can I afford to do it and, if not, are they able to pay themselves (or even willing to)? If I feel that my own priorities are more important - and this is one where I often fell down before because I put other people’s need (real or perceived) before myself all too often - then I say no.


Since starting to say no more often and give more consideration to my own needs instead, some people have stopped contacting me as much. Fine. I know where I stand with them now. Those who really care about me understand that you can’t always do everything for everybody and have started expecting less of me. I still help out when and how I can, but I don’t jump around like a puppet on a string anymore and am actually spending time helping myself instead.

Sharon J xx

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Image Source: Tyla75

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Mourning The Worms

Can any of you remember me saying that I’d bought a wormery? It was back in February, although the only reason I remember when it was is because I posted about it here.

Anyway, said wormery is no more. Well, the wormery itself is still there but what’s inside resembles a toxic wasteland more than a group of happy worms going about their business of turning veg and fruit, paper and other stuff into compost and fertilizer.

So what happened? Well, somehow or another the rain got in. Lots of it. The wormery has a tight plastic lid that doesn’t blow off and although it has ventilation holes, these are tiny. And yet when I went out there to feed them a few days ago, the lid was half way up the garden and the wormery was half filled with water. Yes, that much.

The worms, for the most part, were dead. The few I managed to save were thrown into what barely passes as a flower bed but there's soil there and soil needs worms. The wormery itself has been left abandoned; it’s too heavy for me to carry and empty and I don’t want to just tip it out where it is. The job of emptying it by bucket would be too much for me too, so it’s just going to have to stay as it is for the time being until I figure out what to do about it.

Such a shame. It was coming along so well, too! I just can’t help wondering how that lid got off.

Sharon J xx

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A Few Words About Comments

We’ve recently had some interesting debate happening in the comments of various posts here and that’s a good thing. An exchange of opinions is never a bad thing UNLESS it’s done in a way that screams “my opinion is the only right one and you’re a moron for thinking otherwise”, which unfortunately some of the comments have done. Just a few - most have been well thought through opinions that haven’t had a pointing finger attached to them, but we all know how a few can ruin things for the majority.

Please, please continue commenting - a healthy exchange of opinion helps us evolve, and while most of us generally choose to spend time with people whose opinions are intrinsically close to our own, when we’re out in the world we’ll always come across other thoughts and ideas that can and often do help us form our own views. Blogging is part of being ‘out in the world’. But just as I doubt very many would fly up and screech their opinions at all and sundry in real life, so it should be here.

Please remember that, unlike the guy in the image above, those who read your comments are real people with real feelings, regardless of whether they choose to be open about who they are or prefer to anonymity that the Web offers. You never know who may be reading or how you may be hurting them.

Bear in mind that if you're diplomatic in the way you put your view across, others will be far more likely to listen and respond.

Let’s remain open minded towards others views and treat each other with the respect that everybody, regardless of their view, deserves. Please.

Sharon J

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Image Credit: Philipp Daun

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Six Things That Make Me Happy

I’ve been tagged again. This time by …. erm…. the lady who runs Colour It Green. (Sorry, but I don’t know your name. Maybe I should, and if that’s the case I can only apologise but I’m dreadful with names, honestly).

Anyway, the idea of this tag is to list six things that make you happy, who the tag came from and then pass the tag on to six more bloggers. So here goes:

1. Being in the woods or by the sea. I know that’s two but I’m cheating so I’m going to call it ‘being close to nature’. I don’t much care for woods where there are lots of people though, or places like Blackpool by the sea… I want places that haven't been spoiled by throngs of tourists; places where I can find peace to connect with my surroundings while I ponder life, the universe, and all that jazz. (The image above is of Durdle Door in Dorset - I once promised myself that I'd get strong enough again to be able to walk down there. Unfortunately, I've since become weaker, but if I keep trying to improve my strength, I'll get there one day.)
   
   
2. Doing something, anything, that makes one of my children smile. They used to tell me off for dancing or singing in the street when they were little (yes, I can be a tad eccentric and I’m already saving for the purple stockings) but hey, they smile at the memories now :)
   
   
3. Music. My taste is very eclectic so what I listen to depends entirely on my mood and even though I can’t sing to save my life, I do anyway and I’ve always been drawn to musical people. In fact, a whole bunch of my memories are based around times where music has been involved in one form or another. I also love to dance. Well, LOVED to dance. I mean really loved to dance. One of my exes and I would dance together anywhere - in the living room (we’d clear the furniture and spend a whole evening just dancing), on the street, in the park, wherever we happened to be. I don’t have the energy anymore and even if I did, it’d be painful. I think I could grin and bear the pain if only I had the energy again though.
   
   
4. Good friends who are looking for the end of the same rainbow. There are few things that make me happier than time spent with people who I can really connect with - y’know, those people you can totally be yourself with. Unfortunately those people are few and far between (maybe that’s because I’m after a weird kind of rainbow?)
   
   
5. Time spent alone doing something I enjoy. I wouldn’t like to be a recluse, but I do like leaving phones unanswered and letting the doorbell ring without answering while I just enjoy reading a book, doing some sewing or whatever else I fancy doing. My ME time is important, it helps me stay in touch with who I am.
   
   
6. The first tiny green buds that appear along hedgerows and in gardens in the spring. They never fail to make me smile.

So there you go - six things that make me happy. There are lots more, of course, but they’re the first six I thought of.

To keep the tag going I’m passing it on to:

Green Lettuce Soup
Home Matters Most
Shabby Shac
Sharon Rose
Jungle Fever
and finally I’m sending it across the North Sea to My Little Norway

Sharon J xx

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Image Credit: Lovestruck

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Anonymous Comments

Just a quickie.

Would those of you who post under “anonymous” please use a name instead? It doesn’t necessarily have to be your real name but by being consistent in your choice of name it will give me and other regular readers a better chance of differentiating between you. Some anonymous comments are easily recognisable through their writing style and method of putting their opinions across whereas others are more diffuse but it would be nice to know for sure who’s saying what as I believe it builds a better blog community. After all, if we were all having a discussion in the ‘real world’, we wouldn’t be hiding behind a curtain having our say, would we?

I’ve considered turning off the option that allows anonymous comments but that also disallows those who are happy to use a name but aren’t members or either Blogger (Google) or one of the OpenID sites, and I don’t like that either as I don’t believe in forcing anybody to join anything.

So, would you think about it please, anonymous posters?

Thanks.

Sharon J

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Throw Away Food

My daughter used to work at a petrol garage but as it was recently bought up by Tesco, she’s had to go work in one of their Express shops while the garage is knocked down and rebuilt to suit Tesco’s needs. What she has told me about the amount of food that goes to waste there EVERY DAY is appalling.

It’s not as if I didn’t know it happened - I’ve heard all about Freegans and their dumpster diving - but to hear about it straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak, kind of brings it home just that little bit more.

Tesco Express shops are small. Anybody who’s ever been in one will know that you couldn’t possibly do your weekly shop there; they’re more like a chain of what was once independently run corner shops only a bit bigger. And yet still they fill at least one, often two large skip sized containers EVERY DAY with food that can’t be sold. Food that’s perfectly ok for human consumption and that could be donated to soup kitchens, refuge centres, hostels and the likes. But no, it’s thrown away. It ends up on the landfill to rot away.

What one of the commenters on my post about Home Baked Bread said something about supermarket bread being more environmentally friendly than that which we bake at home but just how environmentally friendly it is to throw away a large number of loaves, rolls, cakes and the likes every day is highly debatable. Personally, I can’t see how it can be more sound than baking your own because not only are the products ending up on the landfill, the wrappings are too!

Why on earth do they produce so much when they know that so much is going to go to waste every day? Wouldn’t it be better if the shop was simply allowed to run out? I mean, that’s what used to happen when I was a kid. If you went to get your bread too late and they didn’t have any, tough luck. Nowadays we want everything available 24/7 though, but at what price?

I remember when me and my kids had barely a crumb to eat and how grateful I would have been for just a small amount of the food one Tesco store throws away! But it won't change while people keep shopping there. The power ultimately lies with us, but we rarely use it.

Sharon J

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Image Credit: Danny McL

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So Who Does Christmas Belong To?

I’ve seen an awful lot of arguments happening on various Internet boards recently, all with the same theme: who does Christmas belong to and who should be ‘allowed’ to celebrate it? Some of those arguments have gotten really out hand, with name calling and threats to personal safety being thrown about.

I believe that Christmas should be celebrated by anybody who wishes to join in the festivities and that, as long as they’re not hurting others, they should be allowed to celebrate in whatever way suits them, be they Christians, Pagans, Jews, Atheists or whatever else.

Many Pagans will argue that Christmas (Yule) originally belonged to them with the counterargument from Christians being that the word CHRIST in Christmas makes it theirs. Everybody has their own opinion but shouldn’t it foremostly be a time when we can practice peace by showing tolerance towards other religions or lifestyles, and stop arguing over who it belongs to and how it should be celebrated?

Here in the UK we’ve been calling this winter celebration Christmas for a good few hundred years. Before that it was known as Yule, a celebration of the Winter Solstice (the rebirth of the sun). Whether or not we should or shouldn’t call it Christmas is of no real relevance to me - it’s just a name - what’s important is that we can accept that it’s a time when each and every one of us should be able to do whatever we feel is right on that day. For some, it means absolutely nothing more than presents, for others it’s a time during which they can feel close to and give thanks to their God, for others it’s a time when they can drink and be merry. No doubt there are many, many more reasons why people celebrate Christmas too. Or even why they don't, whatever the case may be.

If we choose to celebrate, can’t we at least do that in peace, without needing to justify why we choose to do so as Atheists, Pagans or Worshippers of Little Green Men from Mars? Nobody has a supreme ‘right’ to Christmas, it’s just a day really, like any other. There’s no proof that Jesus was born that day (in fact, it’s highly unlikely) and nowhere does it say that you have to believe in God (as depicted in the Bible) in order to celebrate it.

Personally, I don’t believe it really has much to do with religion anymore at all. It’s about money. Even if everybody stopped celebrating on grounds of their faith, Christmas would still live on. The money grabbing capitalists would see to that. If anybody, they're probably who Christmas really belongs to these days.

Sharon J xx

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Image Credit: Tom Stardust

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What Tree Are You?

I found a web page yesterday that lists what your tree is according to your birthday. As I love trees I found it quite interesting. Apparently, my tree is a pine tree.

My characteristics, according to the chart are:

Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything disappoints until it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

Hmmm… I’ll have to leave that up to others to decide whether or not that’s me. I can definitely see some similarities there though.

Could being connected with pine trees be the reason I was drawn to Norway?

Sharon J

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Image Source: 1967geezer

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Home Baked Bread Day

It’s not long since it was Canned Pineapple Anniversary Day and now it’s Home Baked Bread Day so c’mon people, get the flour and yeast out and get baking. You know there’s no bread quite as good as home baked bread.

I’m lucky enough to have a bread machine that my mum bought for me about 6 months ago. I don’t have the strength in my wrists for all that kneading anymore so I use the machine to do that part and then usually bake it in the oven rather than in the bread machine. It’s probably me that’s doing something wrong but I’m never entirely satisfied with bread out of the machine whereas the same dough comes out beautiful when it’s done in the oven, either as a loaf or as rolls.

We vary our breads between granary with extra seeds (LM likes her bread really seedy), plain white bread and wholemeal. Sometimes I do a mix of granary and wholemeal, and sometimes I add herbs and stuff to white bread. It all depends on what I fancy at the time.

What I really love about home baked bread is that you know exactly what’s going in it. Well, apart from the times when I use bread mixes for quickness, because they have a few things I’m not sure about in them too, but still they’re not as bad as commercially made shop bought bread that have all sorts of chemicals added to make the dough rise quicker and go further. And the taste just can’t be compared, of course.

If you have kids, today might be a good time to introduce them to the art of bread making. My mum never baked anything other than apple pie so I learned about bread making late in life - my own kids used to love baking bread with me, though. They always had their own roll each in the oven along with the main loaf.

I’m going to be making granary rolls today and will have one with lettuce, ham, cheese & red pepper later. Scrummy!

Sharon J

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Image Credit: z-b

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A - Z of Homemaking

Somebody tagged me with this ages ago but I forgot to do it, and now that I’ve done it, I’ve forgotten who tagged me (and there was me thinking I’m finally getting more organised!). If it was you who passed this on to me, I can only apologise for not giving you a mention. Give me a shout and I’ll remedy that, though.

Here goes:

A is for Aprons - yes/no? If yes, what’s your favourite?
I have two pinnies, both original 1950s and bought at a car boot sale about 10 years ago. I don’t wear them every time I cook but if I’m doing something messy (which usually involves flour) or am dressed up, waiting for guests, I’ll pop one on.

B is for Baking - favourite thing to bake?
I’m not really into baking cakes and things anymore - did too much of it when the kids were little - but if I had to choose something then it’d probably be apple pie.

C is for Clothesline - do you have one?
Yes, it’s a double set-up that runs the length of the garden. Sounds great but as most of it hangs over a flower bed (actually, it’s more a weed bed at the moment) and another parts hangs over the patio table, there isn’t really that much room on it. Ideally I’d like a whirly gig but right now I have other priorities.

D is for Donuts - have you ever made them?
D must also be for ‘donkey’s years ago’ because that’s when it was. At least 20 years ago. It wasn’t an experience I enjoyed so has never been repeated.

E is for Every Day - one homemaking task you do every day.
None. There are days when I’m simply unable to do anything more than exist let alone start swinging a broom around. When I am up and about and feeling relatively fit, I…. erm…. still don’t actually have a task I do every day.

F is for Freezer - do you have a separate deep freeze?
Nope, only the one that’s combined with the fridge. I’d love a separate one but there’s just no room for one here. Still, what I have is better than nothing so I shan’t grumble.

G is for Garbage Disposal Unit - do you have one?
Yes, it has four legs, fur and is called Poppy. If she doesn’t do the job adequately there’s another one called Jack usually waiting as a back-up and then what isn’t suitable for them goes to the worms. It works for me :)

H is for Handbook - what’s your favourite homemaking resource?
My imagination and the Internet.

I is for Ironing - love or hate it?
Absolutely loathe it. Most of the time it just isn’t necessary so it’s a waste of energy, both mine and the electricity it takes to heat the iron (well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!)

J is for Junk Draw - yes/no? If yes, where is it?
Junk draw? What do you take me for? I’m too organised to have junk! Oh… sorry… I was away in la-la land there for a moment. Yes… the junk drawerS. Less said about them the better!

K is for Kitchen - colour and decorating scheme?
Don’t get me started on that one! It’s an awful peach with grey cabinets and what were grey tiles but are now red (tile paint is a wonderful thing). I think it was probably fashionable during the 80s but my plan is to make it sort of Norwegian country kitchen-ish although when it’ll be finished is anybody’s guess.

L is for Love - what’s your favourite part of homemaking?
Sitting down and looking around me, seeing that it’s reasonably clean and tidy and feeling ‘at home’. I also quite like cooking, I just don’t like the washing up that follows. Oh, and making things look or function better than they originally did without having to spend a lot of money doing it.

M is for Mop - do you have one?
Of course. It’s an old-fashioned string type mop and bucket affair that I’m not particularly satisfied with but it’ll do until it wears out. I also have a micro fibre mop type thing that’s great for just going over the living room floor with but useless on the nasty floor covering that’s in the kitchen.

N is for Nylons - machine or hand wash?
Nylons? I guess that means tights and stockings? Mine go in the machine with everything else.

O is for Oven - do you use a window or open the oven door to check?
Mine doesn’t have a window so I have no choice. And anyway, getting down low enough to peek through a window wouldn’t be an option for me anymore. Still, at least this cooker works properly, unlike the one I had up until about 9 months ago and what's more it was free (donated by a Freecycler).

P is for Pizza - what do you put on yours?
Minced beef, onion, mushrooms, tomato puree, and oregano all mixed up together and then bunged on top of a base and topped with cheddar that‘s sprinkled with paprika. Sounds boring but I’ve been making the same pizza for about 20 years and as my family all love it, I’m not about to change it. I think they'd probably hang, draw and quarter me if I did, anyway.

Q is for quiet - what do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?
I blog (surprise, surprise), knit, sew, cross-stitch, read, write, listen to music, meditate, ponder life… whatever suits my mood.

R is for Recipe Card Box - yes/no? If yes, what does it look like?
Don’t have one. If I try a new recipe and like it, it goes in a file. If somebody didn’t particularly like it I make a note of that to make sure I don’t make it for them again. The same goes if somebody really raved about it, only then I make it more often, obviously.

S is Style of House - what style is your house?
Hmm… I’m not sure my house has a particular style. It was built about 10 years ago and looks pretty much the same as every other house on the estate. And not that much different to those on the next estate, or the estate after that, either. Inside I guess it’s kind of eclectic but definitely leans mostly towards things that are ‘old fashioned’ and/or unusual.

T is for Tableclothes - do you use them?
I would if I had some! I have one that I use at Christmas (red velvet so not really suitable otherwise) and I plan to make one out of a duvet cover along with matching curtains once the kitchen's done but otherwise, zilch.

U is for Under The Kitchen Sink - organised or toxic wasteland?
Somewhere in between. There isn’t enough space for it to be as organised as I’d like but I’ve seen a whole lot worse. I try to steer clear of as many toxins as I can though.

V is for Vacuum - how many times a week?
Don’t ask… please. I’d die of embarrassment! No, seriously… I vacuum when I think the place needs it or when I’m feeling fit enough to do it. Nobody died of dust bunnies in the corners or the stair carpet not being pristine at all times.

W is for Wash - how many loads of washing do you do each week?
About one or two I think although I haven’t actually counted them. I don’t have a set washing day - I load the machine as I go (apart from whites and delicates) and let it do its thing when its full enough.

X’s - Do you keep a daily list of things to do that you cross off?
Yes and no. I have certain things on a list but others I just do as and when.

Y is for Yard - who does what?
This should be G is for Garden, surely? Oh… right… we’re talking US English here. I have one, yes, but nobody does very much at all in it at the moment so it's hardly worth mentioning.

Zzzz’s - what’s the last homemaking task you do before bed in the evening?
Turn the lights out.


The meaning is to keep the chain going by sending this along to a few other bloggers to complete. If you’re on the following list, enjoy ;)

Catz at Catz’ Corner
FT at Notes from The Frugal Trenches
Kethry at Urbania to Stoneheads
A Piece of Wood at…. A Piece of Wood
Laura at Move To Portugal

Please don't feel obliged to take up the tag. It's just for fun, after all.

Sharon J

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What We Do & Don't Have

We have bigger houses but smaller families
We have more degrees but less sense
More knowledge but less judgements
More experts but more problems
More medicines, but less healthiness
We've been all the way to the moon and back yet we have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we have less communication
We have become long on quantity but short on quality
These are times of fast foods, but slow digestion
Tall man, but short character
Steep profits, but shallow relationships
It is a time when there is much in the window but nothing in the room

~The Dalai Lama

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War and Loving Our Children

A recent post on Hysterical Jugglings had a list of all the wars that the UK Armed Forces have been involved in since WW2. The list is long. Shockingly long.

As far as I’m aware, none of those wars were caused by the threat of our islands being invaded so I can’t help wondering why they happened. Money? Power? No doubt the excuse was to bring peace to the world, or at least the areas where the wars were being fought, but at what price did that peace, if it exists, come?

It seems to me that as long as we’re happy to send our young men and women off to fight wars, our need to prove our power is stronger than our love for our children because in many cases, those who die fighting those wars are little more than children. People as young as 18 have died for ‘the cause’ and still continue to do so. In some countries, those fighting are much younger. Much, much younger.

I do believe that we must defend ourselves against invading forces but wars caused purely through one nation’s hatred of another or religious intolerance is surely disrespectful to those who are sent to fight? How can we expect young people to lay down their lives because one group of people believe in this deity and another group believe in that one? Or even the same deity but in different ways. It’s madness. Complete and utter madness.

How many young people, I wonder, have lost their lives fighting wars based on intolerance or threats that never even existed? How many mothers have lost their children? How many children have lost a parent? Why, why, why?

Until we overcome our love of power and become more tolerant of other people's views and lifestyles, how can peace ever exist?

Sharon J

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Image Credit: Dunecasher

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