Blooming Marvellous

Are there daffodils blooming in your garden now? Or along country lanes, in parks, or maybe in your neighbour's front garden?

There are a good few beautiful golden blooms smiling at me from the garden these days and the miniature daffodils in the front are budded and ready to go any day now.

I don't think there's anything that lifts my spirits quite as much as seeing the daffodils bloom in spring. To me, it's the first major sign that the rebirth of nature has started and soon everything else will start to follow. The birds will be singing their crazy love songs, the trees will be budding and the insects will start to crawl out from their winter hideaways. Badgers, hedgehogs and other hibernating creatures will emerge from their long period of winter sleep and the sun will just keep getting stronger.

What a difference a daff can make.

Sharon J xx

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Stuff vs. Memories

My daughter and I were chatting last night and the subject eventually came round to the way people are always wanting more - something bigger, better, flashier, more impressive and always more expensive.

She said that she’d much rather look back on a life filled with memories of adventures and experiences that had made an impact on her life, even if only on a spiritual level, because buying stuff doesn’t create lasting memories, not unless there’s been some real blood, sweat and tears put into actually getting it, and those who continuously buy new stuff don’t generally do that.

Do you remember the nights you spent just watching the TV and look back with pleasure? Do you look back on all those days your kids spent in front of the TV playing computer games and smile, laugh or even cry at the wonderful memories? Do you look at your sofa and feel warmed by the memory of buying it?

Do you remember the nights you spent with family and friends and look back with pleasure? Do you look back on all those days your kids spent playing in the woods with you, or learning how to ride a bike, or watching a bird bathe in a puddle and smile, laugh or even cry at the wonderful memories? Do you look at that old sofa and remember cuddles with the kids on it when they were younger?

Things are just things but love, laughter, friendship and experiences are what makes our lives special.

Sharon J xx

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Give and Take - When The Balance Is Off Kilter

I’ve blogged about toxic people before so most of you probably know already that I’ve been doing as much as I can to remove them from my life and clean up any negative emotional debris that they’ve left behind, but somebody recently asked me WHY I see certain people as being toxic, a question that led to quite a lengthy and interesting conversation.

All relationships are based on a trading system - give and take.

When we meet new people, whether or not we become friends with them depends entirely on whether they have something to offer that we need/want in our lives and whether there’s anything we can offer back that’s of value to them. It could be the ability to make you laugh, being a good listening, shared values, helping out with odd jobs, being a travel companion or one the myriad other reasons why we enjoy being with certain people. Usually though, for a close relationship to develop there needs to be several matches from both sides and for things to balance and create a harmonious relationship, there has to be an even amount of give and take from both sides.

When I realised I needed to remove certain people from my life it was because the relationships I had with them were far too unbalanced - I felt I was doing far too much giving in comparison with what I was receiving back. That sounds selfish, and some would say that we should always give without expecting anything in return, but I just can’t see how any long term relationship could survive like that. We may not consciously expect anything back, but our spirits become unhappy when our kindness is being abused.

Obviously all relationships become unbalanced at times - sometimes a friend’s need can become so all consuming that they’re simply not able to give anything back at that time, but when there’s a continuous unequal measure of give and take, a relationship becomes toxic to the person doing the giving. We can become tired, frustrated, lose our confidence and even become depressed, depending on the level of giving that’s expected of us and how many people are abusing their relationships with us.

But not all toxic relationships are based on ‘selfishness’. Some become toxic simply because the original ‘things’ we needed or could give are no longer valid. Perhaps one or both is still loving and kind but just doesn’t have enough to bring to the table anymore to keep the relationship as strong as it once was. This, I believe, is what most often happens when partners come to a point where the only answer is to walk away but don‘t. They keep going back, keep trying, even though they know deep down that the relationship can‘t survive, whether that be a partner, an awkward boss, a friendship or any other kind of relationship. It’s nobody’s fault - people change and so do their needs or ability to give what‘s needed.

Unfortunately, because there were so many people in my life who I felt were doing far too much taking, either on a spiritual, emotional or practical level compared to what they gave (in some cases, nothing at all), I was running myself dry. That was no good to anybody. If I’m run down I’m of not use to those who do deserve my time while the ‘leeches’ will just move on and look for a new ‘victim’.

Since removing certain people from my life, or at least minimising the time I spend with them, I’ve felt I could once again breathe out and take stock of my life; regain the control that I felt I was losing. I’ve worked on clearing the negative energy they’d left behind in me and I’m gradually ridding the house of their residual energy too. The longer time that passes and the more people who have a positive effect on me I have visit, the better the atmosphere becomes. The law of attraction is once again working in the way I need it to and those I spend time with nowadays are giving me what I need and giving back feels so much easier.

Sharon J xx

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Image Credit: Sarah Azavezza

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2009 - Wishing You Peace

I think we all agree that it would be far better if there were peace on earth instead of the myriad wars that are being fought across the globe but one thing I’m certain of is that unless we find peace within ourselves, there will never truly be peace on a world-wide or even local basis.

You don’t have to go far before you see people using threatening behaviour. Sometimes I guess they do it because the person they’re threatening just isn’t able to see sense through any other means but mostly I think it’s down to their own lack of peace within themselves. They’re wound up, feel the world owes them something, that they have more right to something than others have, or that they need to remove a ‘problem’ that’s getting in their way. The problem can, of course, be perceived rather than real, such as in cases where one person punishes another for ‘looking at my bird’ or whatever.

Lack of self confidence, low self esteem, a society that places more value of material worth than on human relationships, they all play their part in creating unrest. I know, because I've been there.

Only when we’re happy with what we have and the path we’ve chosen for ourselves, when we respect the opinions of others without judgement and accept that we must live and let live can we truly feel at peace with the world and those who live in it. It isn't easy, but certainly a goal worth trying to achieve.

I wish you all peace in 2009. True, lasting peace that’s within you and reflects in everything you do.

Sharon J xx

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The Importance of Contentment

One thing I’ve noticed this past year is that even though my health took a nose dive and the road back to having something resembling my normal strength has been slow and tedious and there's still a lot of climbing to do I’ve felt far more contented, especially during the latter half of the year. Not as contented as I’d like to be, but certainly enough to make a difference.

I know that contentment has come through making a conscious decision to simplify my life. I no longer wanted drama and intrigue to be part of it, I didn’t want to be surrounded by useless gadgets and gizmos that I really didn’t need, I no longer wanted to be bogged down by clutter, not only in the home but in my mind too, and I wanted the freedom to potter through life in a way that suited me without constant interference and demands from others. I wanted to get out of the financial mess I was in and start actually seeing the trees instead of just the woods.

That contentment has made other changes easier. When I was discontented with life I’d go on a shopping spree, trying to find some kind of happiness in material things, and while I did indeed get a high from buying stuff, that high lasted a very short time. Then I’d need another dose. And another. Spending became like a drug. Once I started feeling more contented with my life I no longer felt the need to fill in the gaps with stuff, because those gaps simply weren’t there anymore. Spending less made saving easier, and saving more meant my debts started to disappear more quickly. Contentment, I noticed, was having a positive snowball effect. Not only did my goals help me gain that contentment, the contentment itself led to the goals being far more achievable. A win-win situation all round.

Once I’d rid myself of the majority of toxic people in my life I found myself feeling far happier around those I do appreciate. Whereas the poisonous vipers were shutting me in before, I was opening up more, being myself again, understanding who I was and what my relationships meant to me. Without the negative influences I was feeling far more contented.

Getting rid of some of the physical clutter in my life taught me that I really don’t need things just because I think I need them. Yes, sometimes it was hard to let go but I learned that letting go of some things frees up space for other, more important things. The same goes for mind clutter. Spending time worrying over things that I can’t change, figuring out my next move in order to stop the toxic people from bringing me down… all those things were rolling around my mind, stopping me from living in the moment. When you’re contented, living in the moment becomes so much easier.

Discontent is soul destroying, expensive and makes life far more complicated than it need be. And while we all feel discontent creeping up on us now and then, what’s important is that we grab it as soon as it appears and take a good look at where it came from. Once you know what you’re dealing with, it’s so much easier to banish it from your life again. A little adjustment here, a tweak there… that’s generally all it takes. Sometimes even acceptance. Occasionally bigger changes will be needed but when you’re generally content with life otherwise, even those are easier to deal with.

Sharon J xx

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Stepping Close to 2009

Ever since Christmas Day I’ve found myself reflecting over the year that has passed and thinking about where I’m heading. I’ve not been consciously making resolutions as such, but I’ve given far more serious thought to the mistakes I’ve made this year and how I can avoid them next year, the things I’ve done well this year and whether or not I can improve on them, and the path I want to follow during 2009.

I’ve never really found myself feeling like this at the end of the year before. I’ve never been one for resolutions because they generally get broken anyway, but I think the fact that I’m starting to creep towards 50 now has been playing a role in this. I want to enjoy my life, and I want to enjoy it in a way that feels right for me.

Health

A Ward at Salford Royal Hospital - a place I don't want to see during 2009!

My health is one of the things that’s been foremost on my mind recently. I know I can’t turn the clocks back and live the life I once lived but I can take steps to keep myself out of hospital and as well as possible. I know I’ve been playing with fire recently in more ways than one and could so easily end up regretting it, so certain things need to be changed. I want to squeeze as much as I can out of life and I can’t do that unless I improve my health. I can’t re-grow my bowel or unclog my arteries but I can live a healthier lifestyle and take my medication more seriously, both of which will act as a preventative against my condition falling into further decline and will also help improve my stamina and thus the quality of my life.

Family

My family have also been strongly on my mind. There’s a link between them and my wanting to improve my health situation, quite simply that I doubt any of them would want me to be in a worse state than I need to be or, given the worse case scenario but one that could easily happen, dead.

Paul, when he was a boy


Lise and her partner, Bjørn


LM, taken last summer

But I’ve been thinking about my relationships with various family members too. What mistakes have I made? What can I do to help my family more? What do I expect from them? How can relationships be improved?

Friends

And then there are friends. I’ve written several times before about toxic friends and why we don’t need them in our lives and while I’ve managed to rid myself of most, there are still a couple that drag me down. I don’t need people who make me feel bad about myself - when you’ve lived with an emotional abuser for as long as I did, you very quickly start believing the things they tell you and that’s VERY unhealthy. I’m incredibly susceptible to that kind of suggestion now so will have to ensure that I don’t have ANY of those kind of people in my life anymore. The same goes for those who take pleasure in opposing my opinions ‘just for the sake of it’. I like a good discussion as much as the next person, but I’m sick of just about everything I say to certain people being turned into a debate. I just don’t need that.

On the other hand there are friendships that I need to cultivate more. Those people who I feel truly comfortable around, the ones who accept me for who I am without placing any conditions on our friendship, they’re the ones I want to spend time with. They’re the ones who boost me and help me believe that I’m capable of being whatever I want to be. They see beyond my limitations and accept that I sometimes need to push the boundaries and try things that may or may not work out, even though they maybe wouldn’t try them themselves.

Friends can, of course, be family members too.

For the first time in too long I’ve started taking my life seriously. Instead of thinking about de-cluttering, getting rid of debts and worrying over the environment I’ve started thinking about ME and how I can improve my life on a more personal level. After all, if you don‘t respect your emotional and physical needs, no amount of financial security or green living is going to make you happy. Our own sense of well-being is what everything else is built upon.

This coming year I’m going to be who I am regardless of what others think of me, take serious steps to improve my health, enjoy being part of a small family unit, put myself where I want to be, and surround myself with people who I enjoy whilst still trying to be as green and frugal as I can.

Sharon J xx

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Pets - I Wouldn't Be Without Mine

Yesterday my 5th or 7th cousin or something equally as obscure (but a great bloke, no less) made a joke about us eating Poppy for Christmas dinner. The joke carried on within the immediate family and we all agreed that it had been worth fattening her up and that it would be Jack’s turn at Easter. A joke, folks…. purely a joke.

However, I know there are some people out there who don’t believe you should keep animals at all unless they’re one day going to become food as pets aren’t ‘useful’ in any way but are a drain on our personal economy; they also demand time that could be spent in a more productive manner.

While I can understand that particular philosophy, I can’t personally agree with it. Yes, my furry friends do cost a bit to keep and yes, they do take up some of my time but they give me lots back in the form of companionship, entertainment, security and more.

When it comes to cost, they don’t really drain me. I save left-overs for them to eat and top that up with dog/cat biscuits. I know some would say that isn’t good enough but mine appear to be happy enough and although Poppy’s a bit on the heavy side - a problem I’ve had with her now that she’s knocking on a bit - she’s fit and active and a happy little soul. She can still sit up and beg and stay that way for a good five minutes if she has to.



Jack… well, he’s just always hungry. Feed him and half an hour later he’s scavenging for more food. Anything in the bin? Anything on the table? Anything on the work top? Maybe if I’m careful I can nick that sandwich right out of her hand without her even noticing! I’ve tried cutting out the scraps and just giving him good biscuits and a pouch of wet food but it doesn’t help - the boy is a pig! I have to be careful not to give Poppy left-overs that have a lot of onion in, neither of them are given anything spicy and Jack isn't given pork (we don't eat tuna so no problem there). I'll also add that they don't eat scraps every day - on non-scrap days Jack's given a sachet of wet food along with his biscuits and Poppy usually has just biscuits with the occassional half tin of wet food mixed in.



Now and then they have to go to the vet but insurance doesn’t cost more than £20 a month for the two of them and for those who can’t afford it there’s always the PDSA who’ll treat up to three pets free for those on a low income.

Time? Yes, dogs need exercise although I have to admit that Poppy doesn’t get as much as she should these days. I’ve had a bad year health wise and just haven’t been able to get out much with her. Richard takes her for a run now and then but LM… well, I don’t think she has at all this year. Strangely enough, Poppy doesn’t appear to mind. She doesn’t nag to go out and is generally happy just as long as she can be with me, whether that’s sitting next to me on the sofa, poking around in the garden or snuggled up under the duvet in bed with me. Most of the time I spend on her is pleasant, it’s the kind that builds companionship between us. She needs petting, playing with, talking to and if I didn’t have that with her I’d miss it something awful. The same applies to Jack. Although cats don’t even need walking of course. If my furry friends had been of the long-haired variety then they’d need grooming but mine don’t. The occasional bath for Poppy is more than enough.

Sometimes they drive me round the twist. Jack when he’s raiding bins or messes up my wool and Poppy when she pees on the floor but we only have ourselves to blame for not letting her out in time. If only she’d bark to let us know! But when Jack’s curled up on my lap, purring away contentedly and Poppy’s laying beside me, her head on my thigh, I feel peaceful. That alone is worth what they cost me in food and more.

Sharon J xx

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Learning To Say No

Since starting my journey towards a simpler life, one of things I’ve had to learn is to say “No” more often.

Once upon a time, no matter what people asked of me, if I was able to do it, I did. Rarely was there any real gratitude shown and all too often, when I asked for a favour myself, that person was either too busy or just unwilling for whatever reason. Not everybody was that way, obviously, but too many were.

The fact is, people will keep on taking whatever you offer them and all the helping out I was doing was starting to wear me down. I spent so much time and energy doing things for other people that I found myself increasingly unable to do the things that actually meant a lot to me. My life, it seemed, belonged to others.

Nowadays I’m much more inclined to say no although to start with it did feel pretty weird. I’d find myself having to offer reasons for not being able to help but the truth of the matter is, nobody has any right to demand another’s time and an excuse really isn’t necessary. If you’ve said no then you clearly have a reason and have every right to decide yourself whether you want to share that reason or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we shouldn’t extend a helping hand but we don’t need to say yes to everything that’s asked of us. The following are a few basic guidelines that I use now when deciding whether or not to say yes.

Who is this person?
Sounds like a strange question because in all likelihood, if you didn’t already know them, they wouldn’t be asking a favour of you, but what I mean by this is what kind of person are they? Would they be happy to help you out when you need it, or are they blood suckers who just keep on taking without ever giving much back in return? I don’t mean that they have to do the same kind of favours for you, or even of the same magnitude - everything depends on a person’s abilities etc - but if they don’t show willing often enough (or ever, for that matter), start saying no more often.

Am I comfortable doing this?
I’ve put my life in danger to help others out and while I was ok doing that because the situation was serious, that wouldn’t always be the case because there are some things I really cannot do because they’d either be irresponsible of me (what would have happened if I had been hurt - who would have looked after my family?) or just plain difficult. If I’m not comfortable doing something, then unless there’s really no other way and somebody’s life depended on it, I’d say no.

Should this person be asking this of me?
People who know us well should know our limitations but still I’m often asked to do something that’s beyond what anybody should really expect. Once upon a time, I’d have done my best to do it anyway but nowadays I just think that they ought not have asked in the first place and put me in a position where I feel I have to help and simply say no.

Could this person do this for him/herself?
One example of this was people constantly asking me for loans even though they had at least as much and often more coming in than I have. If I can budget and make my money last from one pay day to the next and save a bit too, then surely they can. By helping out with loans the whole time, I wasn’t really do them any favours so instead I offered to help them set up a budget, an offer that has been declined by each of those people who‘d regularly ask, so now I just say no. As they say “give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you’ll feed him for a lifetime”.

How important is the favour?
There’s a big difference between getting out of bed at two in the morning to take somebody to the hospital because a loved one’s just been admitted with a serious illness and could die and picking somebody up from a night club because they've spent their taxi fair home. If I don’t really think the person should be asking the favour of me, then I say no.

What are my own priorities?
Do I have the time or energy to do this? How important is it compared with the plans I’d already made for my time? Can I afford to do it and, if not, are they able to pay themselves (or even willing to)? If I feel that my own priorities are more important - and this is one where I often fell down before because I put other people’s need (real or perceived) before myself all too often - then I say no.


Since starting to say no more often and give more consideration to my own needs instead, some people have stopped contacting me as much. Fine. I know where I stand with them now. Those who really care about me understand that you can’t always do everything for everybody and have started expecting less of me. I still help out when and how I can, but I don’t jump around like a puppet on a string anymore and am actually spending time helping myself instead.

Sharon J xx

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Image Source: Tyla75

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Six Things That Make Me Happy

I’ve been tagged again. This time by …. erm…. the lady who runs Colour It Green. (Sorry, but I don’t know your name. Maybe I should, and if that’s the case I can only apologise but I’m dreadful with names, honestly).

Anyway, the idea of this tag is to list six things that make you happy, who the tag came from and then pass the tag on to six more bloggers. So here goes:

1. Being in the woods or by the sea. I know that’s two but I’m cheating so I’m going to call it ‘being close to nature’. I don’t much care for woods where there are lots of people though, or places like Blackpool by the sea… I want places that haven't been spoiled by throngs of tourists; places where I can find peace to connect with my surroundings while I ponder life, the universe, and all that jazz. (The image above is of Durdle Door in Dorset - I once promised myself that I'd get strong enough again to be able to walk down there. Unfortunately, I've since become weaker, but if I keep trying to improve my strength, I'll get there one day.)
   
   
2. Doing something, anything, that makes one of my children smile. They used to tell me off for dancing or singing in the street when they were little (yes, I can be a tad eccentric and I’m already saving for the purple stockings) but hey, they smile at the memories now :)
   
   
3. Music. My taste is very eclectic so what I listen to depends entirely on my mood and even though I can’t sing to save my life, I do anyway and I’ve always been drawn to musical people. In fact, a whole bunch of my memories are based around times where music has been involved in one form or another. I also love to dance. Well, LOVED to dance. I mean really loved to dance. One of my exes and I would dance together anywhere - in the living room (we’d clear the furniture and spend a whole evening just dancing), on the street, in the park, wherever we happened to be. I don’t have the energy anymore and even if I did, it’d be painful. I think I could grin and bear the pain if only I had the energy again though.
   
   
4. Good friends who are looking for the end of the same rainbow. There are few things that make me happier than time spent with people who I can really connect with - y’know, those people you can totally be yourself with. Unfortunately those people are few and far between (maybe that’s because I’m after a weird kind of rainbow?)
   
   
5. Time spent alone doing something I enjoy. I wouldn’t like to be a recluse, but I do like leaving phones unanswered and letting the doorbell ring without answering while I just enjoy reading a book, doing some sewing or whatever else I fancy doing. My ME time is important, it helps me stay in touch with who I am.
   
   
6. The first tiny green buds that appear along hedgerows and in gardens in the spring. They never fail to make me smile.

So there you go - six things that make me happy. There are lots more, of course, but they’re the first six I thought of.

To keep the tag going I’m passing it on to:

Green Lettuce Soup
Home Matters Most
Shabby Shac
Sharon Rose
Jungle Fever
and finally I’m sending it across the North Sea to My Little Norway

Sharon J xx

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Image Credit: Lovestruck

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Simplicity Isn’t Always A Happy Face & Clean Aprons

I read quite a few blogs in the course of a week, some daily, some less frequent, but one thing I’ve noticed about a lot of the simplicity blogs is that the general picture that’s given is one where the woman is happy pottering about her home and garden, cleaning and cooking and growing her veggies. She knits, sews, shops locally and ethically and the impression I get is that everything’s always rosy in the simple household.

Well I’m trying to live simply. I cook mostly from scratch using fresh, local ingredients and although I can’t keep my house as nice as I’d like, I do clean (obviously). I chat with my daughter, advise her where I can, cuddle my pets and am generally contented with my lot. But that isn’t always the case.

Some days I’m moody. I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t want to clean, my pets get on my nerves, my daughter annoys me, and everything can go to the place that’s very hot. What’s more, I think that’s ok. Nobody’s happy or even contented all of the time. Things get us down sometimes and although I’d say I’m generally a positive person, sometimes I just allow myself to feel miserable. We humans have a whole range of emotions and as long as we’re not deliberately hurting somebody, or even know we’re hurting somebody even if it isn’t deliberate, I really don’t see the point in denying ourselves any of them.

Just as I think it’s dangerous that magazines portray women as only being attractive if they look young, slim and full of energy, I think it can be equally as dangerous to those trying to live simply - especially those who are new to simple living - that the whole concept is portrayed in a way that will have us believe it’s all smiles and clean aprons. Life, no matter how you choose to live, just isn’t always how we expect it to be. It’s rather like a rose - the beautiful flower is what we notice most of the time but there are always those other times when the thorns will catch you and the beauty of the flowers seems to fade for a short while.

Simple living isn’t a recipe for complete contentment and never will be, but in my experience it does bring more contentment into life. Just don’t expect it to eradicate every thorn and allow yourself to be moody sometimes. You’re only human, after all.

Sharon J

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Image Credit: Scandinavian Treasures

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Comparing Ourselves To Others - The Good and The Bad

When we compare ourselves to others we can often feel negative because they're better at something than we are or have something we don’t. BUT comparing ourselves with others can also motivate us to do better. I know that when I realised just how good a saver my mum has been, even though times have been very hard for her, I compared myself and how I’d got into debt instead of saving and was motivated to sort my finances out and save more myself.

There are areas where comparison is natural, like during sports events. But in those situations there are rules to be followed whereas life in general has no such rules.

Comparing ourselves to others has almost become a cultural norm in the UK and undoubtedly in many other parts of the world, too.

There’s a huge difference between comparing yourself to others with envy and learning from their successes and failures though. Isn’t it better to use comparisons to improve rather than berate yourself?

Life isn’t some kind of competition - it’s a personal journey to be lived in the way that’s best suited to the individual. When we start trying to live like ‘everybody else’, we end up losing our own sense of purpose and can even forget who we actually are. I know all about that because it’s happened to me and as much as we may believe it, the grass truly isn’t greener on the other side.

It’s really just a matter of putting more focus on going where you want to go with your life and who you really are instead of trying to follow the pathes of others? When you’re enjoying who you are, what you're doing and what you have, it’ll won’t matter that you’re not great at drawing, dancing the jitterbug or doing cartwheels, don’t own your own home, drive a fancy car or earn as much as your neighbour. All that will really matter is what you have, what you believe, where you’re heading and what your personal place is in the big scheme of things.

Sharon J

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Releasing Grudges

Image: Archie Mcphee

Haven’t we all borne grudges from time to time? I know I certainly have. I’ve generally been pretty good about them though - I’ve either approached the person who’s the cause of my grudge and talked things through properly or I’ve simply dropped it. There is, in my opinion, simply no point in carrying grudges with us through life.

Bearing a grudge wastes energy. It turns positive energy into negative energy - instead of spending time thinking about the good that surrounds us we spend it, or at least some of it, thinking about how such and such a person has done us wrong. And let’s be honest, all that spent negative energy does us absolutely no good. The situation doesn’t improve but we can often end up feeling wound up over something that’s happened and no amount of grinding over that particular stone will make it un-happened.

Ok, maybe an initial response where we vent some of our negative emotions over what’s happened can be helpful - we all know that bottling things up isn’t good for us - but there comes a point where we either have to deal with it or let go. If we don’t, then every time we happen to run into the person who we consider the cause of our grudge will just continue to release negative energy, and by ‘run in’ I don’t necessarily mean that we meet them on the street, but every time we hear their name mentioned, see a photo with them in, or come across something that reminds us of them, the latter of which can be anything from switching on the TV only to see their favourite programme playing, hear a song they particular liked, or hear somebody use a phrase they often used themselves.

I have plenty of reasons to bear a grudge towards certain people who’ve been part of my life, but now that I’ve expended the initial negative energy needed in order to release some steam, I try to focus on the good things about them. Everybody, even my abusive ex partner, has good sides and just thinking about all the bad things really doesn’t help me move forward.

There are lessons to be learned from everybody we meet. It isn’t always easy to see the lessons at the time, but once we have things at a distance, if we really start to look, they’re there to be found and experience is what we grow on.

Who knows, maybe that person you’re bearing a grudge towards has actually taught you an important life lesson. If that’s the case, be grateful instead of just hanging on to that grudge.

Sharon J

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A Very Good Day

I’m back. It was just a day but a day made a difference.

One of the mistakes I’ve made in life was that I always thought I had to put everything and everybody else before myself in order to be a good mum, housewife, daughter, friend, lover, employee, carer or whichever hat I happened to be wearing at the time. But that’s not so. While we do have certain duties that can’t and shouldn’t be ignored, taking time out to just be ourselves and do whatever we please makes being what we are for others so much easier and more enjoyable. Things become less of a chore. When I wore myself down so much by constantly running round after others and getting emotionally involved in the lives of everybody who felt like drawing me to the point where the stress actually landed me in hospital, I learned that Sharon has to come first. If I don’t look after myself, how can I be of any use to anybody else anyway? I sure as heck wouldn’t be much use buried six foot under the ground.

Anyway, yesterday was good. Very good.

I spent the first part in bed, hooked up to my feeding pump, alternating between an old Peter Robinson book and watching James Martin on the telly. LM came in and sat with me for a while and we chatted about relationships, friends and wotnot.

Once up I filled some rolls while LM fed the pets and we headed for the park. It was a beautiful day and I got a lovely dose of vitamin D while we watched a grandad throwing a stick into a chestnut tree, gathering conkers for his grandsons. It was peaceful and relaxing.

I usually have a bottle of chilled water with me whenever I go out but not so yesterday. When I dived into my canvas shopping bag to find the old Evian bottle (yes, once upon a time I used to buy them regularly), what did I find instead? Frozen sausages. Five plump pork and herb best butcher’s sausages. I’d taken them from the freezer before we left and obviously… well, suffice to say the water bottle was still on the work top at home.

We had bread for the ducks with us too but alas, there were no ducks. Usually, as soon as you bring out the sarnies they surround you but yesterday there was neither a quack to be heard nor a feather to be seen. The ducks had decamped.

After the park, we headed for town. LM wanted to buy a book and although I don’t actually need a new book, taking me into a bookshop is lethal. I mean, is it actually possible to go inside and come out empty handed? I’m sure booksellers cast some magic spell on unsuspecting casual browsers that compels us to buy at least one stack of printed paper bound in an enticing cover. I was good though, I did just buy the one. Well, at that point anyway.

Next LM wanted to go to Superdrug for new make-up. I couldn’t walk that far so suggested I go into a second bookshop to browse while I waited. Do I need to tell you what happened? You know the answer already don’t you? Three books and a four rolls of sellotape later LM found me. But the books were cheap; this was ‘The Works’.

I know shops like this aren’t good news for authors and while I do buy some books new and at full-price (the first one I bought was - honest), I can’t afford to buy them all like that and given the choice between everything at full price, the library and cheap, I have to go with the latter two at times. Well, most of the time actually. I could just stick to the library, and generally do these days, but it’s that being in an actual book shop syndrome thingy…. I just can’t resist opening my purse. Still, all four books cost me £14.96 so that wasn’t too bad. And one’s really useful - it’s all about bi-carb - what it is and it’s gazillion uses. The full-price book is Stuart Machonie’s ‘Pies & Prejudice’ and sounds both interesting and a good laugh. The third is an ‘unusual facts’ type book and as I love useless information it's right up my alley, and the fourth… well that’s a secret cos it’s a Christmas present and the recipient may well be reading this. You just never know who's lurking out there, do you?

Anyway, I was eventually scurfed out of the book shop and off we toddled, back to the car and headed for Morrison’s. I’d seen a three-tier steamer there on Friday for £9.98 and had decided to buy one. Ok, so that was another tenner that could have gone into the kitchen fund but I figured a steamer would give us healthier veg (well, it’d give LM healthier veg - I could eat pig swill and it’d make not a blind bit of difference to me but the veg will be tastier, I‘m sure) and would save money in the long run because I’d only need to use one gas ring for the spuds and veg instead of the usual two or three. I shall be trying it out today when those well-travelled sausages finally get eaten along with mash, carrots & cabbage. They were thawed but still cold by the time we got home.

Speaking of which, we were supposed to have the sausages yesterday - bangers and mash makes a good comfort meal I think - but by the time we got back I was shattered. We’d also been to a car lot to look for a new motor for LM y’see. Hers isn’t very well at the moment. Anyway, too knackered to bother with dinner, we decided to order a take-away. Yes… I parted with even more money. Oh, the extravagance of it all. The local Indian was called and a meal was duly delivered. £13.60...a lot of money when you’re supposed to be frugal and saving as much as possible but it was nice. Very nice. And it was my day to do whatever I liked and believe me, I liked.

We wound up the day by watching a film. I can’t remember the name of it now but it made me cry. But then so does Corrie. And Pet Rescue. And Casualty (the latter for the wrong reasons though - I hate it!). While I watched it, I knitted. I got half a sock done in that time so was quite productive really.

The best thing about the day was that while I got to do what I liked, I also got to spend the day bonding with LM. Mums and daughters need that and in today’s busy society, things like that often get overlooked. Sure, we eat meals together, sometimes go shopping together, and now and then we watch a film together, but a whole day spent together is something else. It was indeed a good day. A very good day.

Sharon J

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Home Matters Most

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Jennifer at HomeMattersMost has asked her fellow bloggers to write a post about why their home matters most to them and there's a lovely book that the generous lady's giving away to whoever's entry is 'pulled from a hat' at the end of it all. This is my contribution.

From The Garden
looks kind of pretty but it's actually more like a jungle than a garden

I’ve always been a bit of a wanderer and since leaving home at the tender age of 18, I’ve lived in 18 different properties. Mum insists it’s the gypsy blood in me coming out (My great-grandmother was a Romany Gypsy) and really never thought I’d settle down, but to everybody’s surprise, I’ve now lived in this house for almost 8 years.

When I was younger, home didn’t really exist as such. A property was just a place where we could be out of the elements, rest our heads and prepare for the next adventure. Even when we eventually built our own house I still didn’t feel any real attachment to it - it hurt more to sell the caravan, which satisfied my wanderlust, than it did to sell the house. But things change.

Becoming ill put a stop to my spontaneous lifestyle and I had to settle, like it or not. I wasn’t too happy with that to start with, especially as I live in what I considered to be a very poky little house - I was used to the big Norwegian homes and a tiny 3-bed roomed terrace in the UK felt like living in a chicken coop in comparison. I felt cramped and smothered, almost as if I couldn’t breath through lack of space both inside the house and in the tiny garden.

You get used to things though, and gradually I started to see this place differently - if I was going to be here for a long time, best make it into a proper home. I’ve gradually been transforming it into a place where I can feel happy and contented, safe from the world and where stress doesn’t exist. Peace and quiet are important to me - the days of having friends over to party at the weekends or trails of kids running through the place are long gone.

Even though I don’t own the house (it’s housing association so secured long-term tenancy) I'm not afraid of putting money or work into it. I’m saving for a new kitchen, I want to install a shower and improve the bathroom, the rest will be redecorated to a much higher standard than is the case today and the garden will be given a complete make-over. I suppose you could say that I’ve finally come to rest, found my base, the place where I can return to knowing that I’ll find the peace I need.

I like to have friends over and there’s always a bed for the night if they need it but unsavoury types aren’t welcome here and neither are those who disrespect my home; I expect everybody to chip in and keep the equilibrium of peace and harmony going. Unfortunately, not everyone understands that. I like the sound of laughter and conversation in the house, but I also enjoy being alone, finding pleasure in quiet solitude while I sit and read, write, knit, sew or just ponder life.

To me, home matters most because it’s where I spend the bulk of my time, and gives me what I need most from life. Contentment.

Sharon J

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Punching The Air

I know this isn’t going to seem like much of an achievement to some of you but those who know me will understand just how huge it was and why I had to share it.

On Thursday I walked all the way around Asda!

I didn’t do my big shop - I’m not that strong - just bought a few top-up bits and pieces that I’d normally have to send somebody else out to get for me. LM carried the basket until it got too heavy then Lise’s boyfriend took over. Lise and Bjorn had a tendency to wander off on their own - it was all new and exciting for him, who’d never been to England before, let alone inside an English supermarket - but LM stayed resolutely by my side in case I flagged or became ill and then found the check out with the shortest queue for me.

When I got back outside and into the car, I felt like punching the air. A couple of months ago I was starting to think I’d never be able to do anything ‘normal’ again but every achievement along the way has given me renewed faith in myself. I can and I will live a life outside of these four walls!

Admittedly, my legs hurt like nobody’s business that night but as they say, no gain without pain and the more I do these things, the easier it will become. I just have to remind myself not to push too hard - one step at a time and I’ll get there in the end.

Sharon J

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Riches That Really Matter

Photo: Fatty Tuna

In his essay ‘The Soul of Man under Socialism’, Oscar Wilde wrote the following:

"Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you."

Televisions, laptops, jewellery, mobile phones, iPods, in fact anything a consumer can acquire for money, can all be stolen. Some things – the most precious things – cannot.

I have my own riches that nobody can steal…

• Snuggling up under a warm blanket on the sofa with a good book on a winter’s evening
• Sitting quietly with my needlework, knitting or crochet feeling contented with life
• Watching the waves hit the shore as the sun sets over the sea
• Eating fresh strawberries
• Writing
  
• Star gazing
• Laughing so much that it hurts
  
• Spending hours at the library just browsing the books
• The peace and quiet of a forest
  
• Playing cards and board games (but NOT Monopoly)
  
• Knowing that I have my mother's love and respect
  
• Picking flowers from the garden or countryside to brighten up the house
• Binging on pancakes or waffles with a friend
• The smell of grass after a rainfall
• Watching a log fire burn
  
• Fishing in a quiet lake in the woods
• Giving my kids a hug
• Feeling the change in the air when spring finally arrives
  
• Watching the wildlife in my garden
• Talking to my dog
• The smell (and taste) of fresh baked buns
• Walking barefoot on grass on a sunny day
• Watching a heavy rain storm
• Egg and mayonnaise sandwiches
• Sitting in the sun, knowing that the vitamin D is making me stronger
  
• Scouring car boot sales
  
• Talking to a good friend
• Hopping on the scales and seeing that I've put weight on
  
• Recieving a hand written letter
• Snuggling up in a bed with fresh, line dried linen
• Sprawling on the sofa, listening to music
  
• Home made pizza
• Seeing my children achieve their goals, however small
• The smell of cinnamon
• Barbeques on the beach
• Learning something new
• Watching clean washing blowing in a breeze
• My memories.... many, many of them
  

The list isn’t limited to the above; there are endless things that make me feel happy and contented with life. Sure, when I find the ‘perfect thing’ then I enjoy buying something new for the home or myself but when I decided to simplify my life it was partly because I’d found that buying things actually made me want more – I was never really satisfied.

Sometimes we all need to remind ourselves of the riches that really matter - those that money just can't buy. What would you put on your list?

Sharon J

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Meditation

“Be Still Like a Mountain and Flow Like a Great River” ~ Lao Tse

I think I’ve probably meditated for most of my life, albeit in an uncontrolled form to start with. My mums says she can remember that even as a toddler I’d sometimes be ‘gone with the fairies’, impossible to get through to. She’d have to click her fingers several times in front of me before I’d ‘come back’.

By the time I was about 5 years old she’d actually started to worry that maybe something was wrong with me. I can remember her asking me about it after one such ‘turn’. I explained that I’d simply been thinking about something, so deep in thought that I ‘was off somewhere else’. Whatever was happening around me simply didn’t register although on returning to my normal state of consciousness, I was aware that life had gone on and I hadn’t noticed. Mum may have finished making dinner, or dad may have changed his shirt. In fact, WW3 could probably have broken out and I wouldn’t have noticed.

As I matured I realised that what I was doing was meditating. I was reaching so far into myself - or outside of myself, whichever the case may be - that I was blocked from receiving external stimuli. I soon learned how to use meditation to help me relax and by the time I reached my twenties, I’d become quite dependent on it. It helped me understand life and my role in the jigsaw puzzle and kept me calm and strong through some very difficult situations.

These days my meditation takes on a form inspired by Lao Tse, one that's part of the Taoist philosophy. “Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river”. I imagine myself as a mountain and feel the energy rising upwards within me, growing until it reaches its full potential. I feel the strength and vigour of the mountain and make them my own. I feel the freedom surrounding me, and the view becomes a view of life’s possibilities.

From the mountain rushes a river, its energy knowing no boundaries and I enjoy the thrill of the ride but take time to explore the smaller streams that may take me to unexpected places. Then I’m heading for a tumbling waterfall before finally enjoying the rock pool below; the calm serenity welcome after the bumpy but thrilling, adventurous ride.

Tao is said to be the force that runs through life. It’s the energy that keeps us moving forward even when times are rough; it’s what give us the ability to feel contentment with the simple things in life; and it helps us understand and enjoy the exciting voyage that life is. To me, meditation is about releasing the Tao in myself because, in our stressful society, it tends to get locked inside, rather like a river that meets a dam, unable to find a path that flows freely.

Now all this may sound pretty weird and whacky to some, but to me it’s the most natural thing in the world. It may not be right but it feels right and that’s what matters. Some people pray, some people sing, some people chant, some people hug trees; if it helps tackle life, that’s surely a good thing.

Whatever a person chooses as their path to peace, as long as it works and it isn‘t hurting anybody, don’t knock it. I know that when I’m in the rock pool - that calm, serene place deep down within me - I can clear my mind. Relaxation and inner tranquility are total and only then can I begin to find the answers.

Sharon J

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Fattening Up

Photo: jovike

Well it finally looks as if I’m heading in the right direction, health wise, again.

After five months of feeling as if every last micron of energy had been sucked out of me, rapid weight loss to the point where there was absolutely no fat left on me, I’ve started to pick up some strength and have put on 4 kilos this in about the same number of weeks. Now I know that’s not a lot but when you’ve got used to seeing the electronic digits of the scales blink at you with an ever decreasing number for far longer than is either pleasant or safe, seeing that number actually increase is A VERY GOOD THING. My size 12 clothes also fit me now and although I'm still a long way from the size 16 I'd like to be (I'm tall and heavy built), a 12 is better than a 10.

After lord knows how many tests, a blood transfusion, surgery, two hospital stays, weeks upon weeks spent at home in bed too weak to walk to the bathroom let alone go up and down stairs or out of the house, the big man himself at the Intestinal Failure Unit of Salford Royal (formerly Hope Hospital) managed to crack the remaining problem that was still holding me back. I was lacking vitamin D.

A quick jab in the bum and instructions to spend half an hour in the sun without sun screen every time it’s out seem to have done the trick. Just a couple of days following the jab I was already feeling more energetic than I had for months and although we haven’t had much sun to get excited about, I do make sure I get out in it for my half hour when it does put in the odd appearance.

All this was about three weeks ago now. On Wednesday I did some dusting in the living room then drove into town, walked about 50 meters to the Caribbean shop, had a look round, walked back to the car (was struggling a bit by this time - the PVD in my legs doesn't help) and drove to the park. There I walked about 25 meters to the nearest bench, sat in the sun with a cheese sarnie that Richard had prepared and fed the ducks. Back home and I was knackered. I went up to bed for a nap but instead of staying there, I got up again in the evening and drove to the garage because I wanted something nice as a treat. I know those extra carbon emissions weren’t good but there's no way I can walk that far (about 300 meters) and I really did feel I deserved a treat and thoroughly enjoyed the melon, pineapple and grape salad that I bought. It felt good to be back to doing something reasonably normal.

Yesterday I expected to be totally knocked out but no, once my feed had finished and I’d unhooked from my pump, I was up and about again. I didn’t do much, I admit, just pottered about a bit but mostly relaxed, but that was nice. A friend popped over in the afternoon with a huge piece of beef fillet baked inside a bread type thing (which I’m sure has a name but I’m blowed if I know what it is but name or not, it’ll become tonight’s dinner). We sat in the garden, me with my trackie bottoms rolled up, getting some Vitamin D, and spent a couple of hours catching up. In the evening Richard went out to the ice-cream van bought me a cornet before going back to his own house. Life was good.

Today I’ve been in bed. Not because I feel particularly weak but because A) I know I still have to pace myself and B) I fell asleep without hooking up so had to do it at 4am which means I’m stuck on my pump until about 5pm. I could use the rucksack that I can put the feedbag and pump into (specially made for the purpose) so that I’m mobile but it’s too heavy for me at the moment. Better to just enjoy a duvet day. Tomorrow’s another day and I shall be up and about again.

I might even get to the boot market this Sunday.

I still have some tests that need to be carried out. One is to check for osteoporosis and the other is to try to find out why my blood pressure is so ridiculously low, but I can deal with them. Everything’s easier when you feel good, isn’t it?

Sharon J xx

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Man Cannot Be Comfortable Without His Own Approval

The title of today’s post is a quote from Mark Twain, and one that I think is very, very true. No matter how much you try to live up to other people’s expectations, unless you approve of your life yourself, you’ll never feel comfortable and you’ll never be truly happy.

For too long I found myself being a person I wasn’t. I came back to the UK and kind of slipped back into being the person who left 18 years previously. Obviously, I wasn’t exactly the same person – I was a lot older for one and therefore naturally acted in a way that a 19 year old wouldn’t – but my general outlook on life changed back. I couldn’t live the way I had in Norway and I no longer really knew who I was or what I wanted. I allowed myself to be influenced by others – which was only natural, I suppose – but I wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t approve of who I was and I certainly wasn’t happy. I tried to be, sometimes even thought I was, but deep down I knew things weren’t right and that I could be happier.

Since changing my lifestyle and making it clear that my outlook has changed, some people have acted very differently towards me. They probably think I’ve gone mad, wanting to live a simple life instead of one where money speaks and the environment doesn’t really matter that much. They smile and nod, but they don’t understand.

Some at least respect my choices and, like my mum, are actually trying to learn something from them. She’s now changed her clothes washing routine, is thinking about buying a wormery when she moves and looks for products that have the least packaging. She wants to do her bit for the environment, she just wasn't sure how to go about it.

Others have no intention of changing their lifestyles but respect mine and that’s fine too. Everybody has the right to make their own choices.

Sadly, there are some who still expect me to be part of their consumerism – to be interested in the latest gadgets and gizmos they've paid ridiculously inflated prices for or listen to them harp on about the ‘labelled’ clothes they’ve just bought when they already have a perfectly adequate wardrobe. That would be ok if they’d be willing to listen to me talk about the things that are important in my life without criticism, but they don’t.

To be honest, there are few people who I feel I can really relate to. Certainly no more than a handful. Not that I mind – I’ve never been a people gatherer anyway. Well, with the exception of a few ‘hard partying’ years during the 80s, that is. I enjoy my own company and I’d rather be alone than spend time with somebody I don’t really feel a bond with.

I’m more comfortable and happier now that I have my own approval for the way I live my life. And although it's always nice to have, I don’t need the approval of others. I suppose I’m lucky in that my mum brought me up to be my own person and, as an adult, she’s never ever tried to tell me what I should do. She’ll offer advice, and is the first person I turn to when I need it, but she doesn’t get insulted if I don’t take her advice; she always makes it clear that she's merely suggesting and that the final decision must be mine. I hope I’ve managed the same thing with my children.

Mark Twain was a very wise man. What’s sad is that so many people do feel they need the approval of others. Perhaps they still worry about what their parents will think of their lifestyle, or how their friends will feel about their choices, or even whether the neighbours will be suitably impressed. If they could only break free from this horribly stifling need for others' approval I’m sure they’d also understand what happiness really is. It certainly has nothing to do with money or any material goods.

I'm glad I found it again.

Sharon J xx

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No Spring Chicken

Graphic: CarolitaJohnson

I woke this morning at about 6.30 to a deep blue sky, tinted golden in the east as the sun rose across the roof of the railway works that’s Crewe's only real claim to fame. Not the most picturesque view, granted, but watching the sky turn to a dazzling blue as the sun rose higher as I listened to the birds sing from the branches of the trees in the street brought a smile to my face. No matter where you are, if you look for it, nature has given us beauty to be enjoyed.

Sadly, the weather soon started to change as thick grey clouds rolled in from the north, laying themselves like an old feather duvet over the gardens and rooftops. A cold breeze picked up and crept in through the open window; I pulled my own feather duvet tighter around me. I was snug as a bug in a rug.

These changes came about quickly and for some reason they got me to thinking about how our own lives change.

At 47, even without my medical problems, I’m sure I wouldn’t still be able to do the things I did at 27. Even if I were physically able, would I really want to be visiting night clubs, having children, and rushing off on some new adventure at the drop of a hat? No, I wouldn’t. My priorities have changed.

Each age holds its own doors of opportunity open and as one shuts, another opens offering new and different possibilities. Our values change as we grow and learn, as do our needs, and our knowledge of life, both human and otherwise, gives us a greater depth of understanding.

But I look around and see so many people – women, mostly - fighting desperately against the natural cycle of life. They’re afraid of getting older. They try dressing trendy even though it’s obvious to all and sundry that they really don’t have a clue, they have their hair cut in the latest styles, they wear far too much make up in a bid to hide the lines and wrinkles that are nature’s statement of experience, dance to the latest music embarrassing everybody but themselves, and now they’re even participating in extreme sports in order to prove that they’re still fit enough (and only the young are expected to be fit enough for that so they must still be young, surely?).

Isn’t it better to just grow old gracefully in the way we were meant to? Everything that Mother Nature ever developed was designed for a specific purpose and with a cycle to fit that purpose. We’re designed to grow older, draw on our wealth of experience and knowledge, teach those who come after us, and lead the way through the path we’ve helped shape. What purpose is there in continuing to strive to be one of the young forever?

Again, a lot of this can undoubtedly be blamed on our economic system; a system based on enticing us to spend as much as possible and what better target than feminine insecurities?

You won’t be a valuable member of society if you don’t look young and healthy (read: able to reproduce) so buy this cream, that cream, this hair dye, that mascara, this lipstick, have surgery, join this gym, buy, buy, BUY!

You know the score. Those ads scream at us every time we open a magazine, turn on the TV, or visit the supermarket. We can hardly do anything these days without being told we aren’t good enough unless we buy loads of crap that’s overpriced and doesn’t work. Are we really that gullible?

What’s wrong with a face that’s glowing from being in the outdoors, a body that’s fit through regular walks, and hair that’s taken on a moonlit glow?

I may not wear purple and I’ve yet to start running my stick along railings but I wear my wrinkles with pride, my tits point south and that’s fine – they did their job of feeding three children adequately when they were meant to - and when I do turn grey, I shall wear that with pride too.

Sharon J

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