Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Yesterday


First of all, let me apologise for what happened in the comments section of yesterday’s post. Those of you who read it are no doubt aware now that Richard and I have parted. It wasn’t a mutual decision, it was something I felt I needed to do. Of course Richard’s hurt, but I had no intention of mentioning this on the blog and certainly wouldn’t have been running him down. He’s been good to me in many, many ways but we simply aren’t in harmony, a fact I’ve long recognised but have hoped, as so many of us do, that things would improve.

Nothing would have been better than for our relationship to have worked - he’s a kind man who I have no doubt truly cares about me, but we were far from soul mates. Our values differ far too much, as does our outlook on how to live life. That doesn’t necessarily make him worse than me, just different.

Sometimes, no matter how painful it is, we have to accept that things simply weren’t meant to be.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason and stay until they’ve performed their task. Sometimes that could just be a few minutes of conversation at a bus stop, other times it may be a few years, occasionally it’s a lifetime. All of those people have been, and still are, valuable in their own ways, but that doesn’t mean we have to hang on to them when being with them no longer feels comfortable. Our instincts tell us when it’s time to let go.

Again, I’m sorry that you had to be subjected to this. It wasn’t my intention but I felt I had to say something after yesterday’s exchange of comments. Maybe I should have just deleted them, but I have a policy to not delete comments on the blog unless they’re abusive. Richard wasn’t abusive - he was merely telling the truth as he sees it. And there’s always more than one truth.

Sharon J

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21 comments:

Teena said...

Crackers Sharon are you ok? I thought I was having a rough emotional time. Sending you lots of love and kisses and hope your head clears of all this soon.
You are so right about letting it go, so much easier for the two of you to part once the powers that be have utilized your positions together. You can't fight fate...believe me you can't, I'm fighting the same battle with the powers that be too, but am still learning, loving, living.
Chin up hun
xoxox

Anonymous said...

You're right Sharon. There are always several versions of the truth, depending on which side you're seeing things from. It's only when we have things at an emotional distance that we can understand where those truths meet in reality and what we were seeing as the truth through a cloud of hurt. Good luck to both of you x

Jack said...

Sharon,

I find sooo much truth in what you have said in this post. Maybe that's the best way to think about how people touch our lives. No sense in forcing something when the value of a relationship, however longstanding, is no longer productive and fruitful. I wish you well. Take care,

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Richard said...

No we weren't in harmony all the time. Difficult considering that from the the first day I moved in over 6 years ago you violently turned on me every few weeks for no reason. It's so hard to build any kind of momentum in your life when you don't know when the crap's going to happen next. It's doubly hard when there's the added pressure of your condition. Yet despite your contrary, capricious and mercurial behaviour I always came back for more. I'm guilty of nothing other than loving you too much and caring too much after watching you almost die twice and seeing things I'd rather not see again. I can't deny human nature, unlike you. If only you'd not lied to me. If only you'd bothered to try and make our relationship work instead of making out it was all down to me. No wonder I got depressed. Every time it happened you peeled off another layer of me until now there's barely anything left. I'd leave, you'd beg me not to go. I'd come back when you got ill, we'd try again and you'd throw me out again. I even move out into my own place to give us the space you said we should have but at the end of the day it appears you'd rather smoke. This is where the bulk of our differences lay. You lied to me about that, even blaming someone else for the mess. Hey, second fiddle to a pouch of Golden Virginia. Great. The lying about that hurt me beyond belief. Knowing that everyone bar me knew you were smoking (even though I wasn't born yesterday and your breath couldn't hide it - you even told me I was wrong when I asked you about that) just compounded the feelings of annoyance I was having. I just don't understand why you expected me to blindly accept it.

Yet I'd come dancing back tomorrow if you'd ask because I really can't bear to go through my life without you. Normal sensible people would have told you where to get off years ago but just like you, I'm neither normal nor sensible. Even now, though I feel so much hurt and anger my heart races whenever I think of you. You spoke of losing your passion for things the other day and I can understand that, I have too, many times. But I've never lost the passion I feel for you. You expected me to try, you have to try too. I want to be on that journey with you again.

Sharon J said...

@ Teena. Compared to you, my ride's not in the least bit rough. I know there's no point in fighting fate - things happen when and if they're meant to.

@ Anonymous. No doubt my version of the truth is somewhat distorted too but I'm sure one day those clouds will lift.

@ Jack. No, no sense in it at all.

@ Richard. If you truly believe that this all boils down to a packet of tobacco then you're wrong. There's a reason why I no longer felt I could be honest with you and it's for that reason I can't be with you. I could have responded to your own blog post with an equally scathing comment but choose not to participate in mud throwing in a public space where the entire world can watch, should they so wish.

What I find difficult to understand is, if I'm really as awful as you've painted me, why on earth would you still want to be with me. I don't require an answer, but it's certainly something to wonder at.

Richard said...

Well, up to the point on Friday when I asked you to promise me you'd give up smoking because I'd just worked out that you'd been lying to me, I was still under the impression we had a future. We'd been shopping, had a laugh and we'd spent a good weekend together. I had no reason to suspect anything serious. I got upset because you'd all been concealing it from me and I felt a dupe. But you can never say sorry. Why do you find that so hard?
As you never want to try and work things out in private, I'm not really left with many options other than to air my grievances here.

And I will answer your question. It's called love, Sharon. It's a mysterious thing and nothing to be afraid of. And I suppose that all of this, however uncomfortable for others to read is just me saying that despite everything we've been through I always have and always will love you like nothing on earth and that I want everyone to know that I do.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry but I have to say something here. I know you both and you know who I am.

I think this should be aired in private, the fact that R thnks the previous blog was about him is a testament to his state of mind at the moment. You both have very good qualities and you both also have bad.

R at times it has seemed as if you have thrived on Sharons illness, I am not saying that is so but that is how it has appeared. I hate her smoking but I stand back because she is an adult who knows only too well the consequences of her smoking. You seem to want glory for being her carer when in actual fact you should be proud that, with your help, she has gained a lot of her independence.

Don't turn this into a tit for tat thing. You must both accept responsibilty for your failings and move on. Good luck to you both

Just somebody who cares said...

Let it go buddy. I don’t know either of you but from what I’m reading here it seems like your hanging on to a dream rather than wanting to be with the person that Sharon is. You cant change a persons basic personality and if Sharon doesn’t feel that your compatible then that cant be changed no matter how much either of you want it. Compromise is one thing but compatibility is something else. BTW, have you thought about sending her an email instead of writing this in public? I think that would be a better choice.

ShrinkCentral said...

Richard, from the trained eye it appears that not only do you have depression, but some serious underlying dependance co/dependance issues.

Your berating of Sharon seems to be centred around her lying to you about smoking, obviously something that you detest especially given her condition.

What would have happened if Sharon had told you upfront about smoking again? Would you have accepted her decision, given the fact that she is well aware of her condition and your feelings on the matter?

You stated that everyone knew Sharon was smoking except you, even though you could smell it on her breath. Therefore, deep down you must have known that the smoking was occuring and yet you chose to accept Sharon's lies to keep the relationship going.

Then finally you state that you wish your relationship was whole again as you have never lost your passion. Given all that you now know ask yourself why are you willing to put to through that again?

It would seem that you choose to use these posts to voice your own feelings of victimisation from Sharon in the hope that people will respond in a favourable way to you. Unfortunately this is rarely the case and will only increase your feelings of frustration and pain.

I appriciate that you have deep feeling for Sharon, however when these are based on you needing that person to be dependent on you rather than both of you being emotionally independent, but together then the relationship just will not work. In fact, this type of behavioural pattern is more likely to make the rift between you even worse.

It may be that there is a history in your family where you have been the main or sole carer for someone who is very dependent, this can cause deep emotionally insecurities and as a result you will only feel happy when you are taking care of someone.

I urge you to speak to your GP regarding counselling for this situation, it can be alleviated in time. Maybe that way you and Sharon can learn to reconnect later on in life.

Richard said...

No glory in it and I actually find that remark insulting.

Not your buddy so but out and stop patronising me. You know nothing about this.

Richard said...

Please, don't offer advice. You're embarrassingly wrong on so many counts.

Sharon J said...

Richard, when you write comments on my blog, you have to expect people to respond. Telling them to butt out isn't polite when they're clearly just trying to help.

Thanks for the comments to everybody else and I appreciate your concern. I'd reply to you individually but I just don't feel up to it right now.

Shrinkcentral said...

Your comments are understandable aggressive as a defensive mechanism, but you did not answer any of the questions I put to you. Interesting.

Just somebody who cares said...

I know I’m not your buddy, I was just trying to show that I’m friendly. In case your not familiar with the way we talk in the US its just a figure of speech. Being told to butt out was the last thing I expected being as your the one who decided to post about your problems here. Get real. You put your personal stuff here then expect people to respond! Your hurting right now so I’ll excuse your behaviour but I will say one thing and that’s that I can’t see anything loving about the things you’ve posted about the woman you claim to love.

Anonymous said...

Just come across this blog. Love the stuff you do btw.

Don't wanna hurt anyones feelings, but this guy Richard really needs to take a reality check and realize he sounds like a whiny kid.

If my man talked about me the way he has to Sharon he would have been kicked out a long time ago.

Kristy Harris said...

Sharon,

Sorry that this has creeped into your blog. I wish you peace.

Chris said...

Hi Sharon, sorry things have been so horrible for you. You know where I am if you want a chat. Not around v much but check emails every day at the very least and will always reply! Take care and hope you have some support there in person too. Chris

Sharon J said...

Kirsty & Chris. Thanks to both of you :)

Debi said...

Thinking of you. xxx

Jennifer said...

Sharon
I've only just read your blog this week today (friday) as I've had a major family incident going on in my life from my family in the states.

However, I would like to just say that I think the comments to Richard and from Richard are all just a sad situation.

You have a beautiful blog and these two blogs with the comments have really added a negative vibe and they aren't good for you to have to keep. Please consider removing the comments and move on with your life with the positivity that your friends are more than happy to share with you. These mud slinging comments will only serve to weigh you down. :D

Jennifer

paradigmshifted said...

sharon j, you seem like a good person. i'm sure richard is a good person. unfortunately, we can only make our judgments based on what we see, and the continued exchange is tarnishing images.

can i offer some thoughts?

sharon - your responding to richard on your blog (and perhaps even in private) is enabling his behavior (which i am getting the impression is part of the reason for the breakup).

richard - love means being able to let go. if you can't, it's not love. and this isn't psychoanalysis, just honesty from a woman who is currently in the grips of the pain of loss.

good luck to you both with this!